Two awesome must see movies!

I got to see two amazing Korean movies-- both starring this fabulous actor named Jae-yeong Jeong.
I discovered them on netflix.
Okie so the first is called--"Going by the Book."

Jae-yeong Jeong stars as the perfect cop, asked to rob a bank, for a police training simulation. Mr. Jeong is flawless as the perfect cop Jung Do-man. Set in a beautiful South Korean small town. You will fall in love with the town, the characters and this unique story. I have never heard a  better story than this one. This a must see movie. Should be on everyone's must see list.

The other gem also by this fabulous actor is called---"Castaway on the moon"

Watch the trailer to this movie here.

The story unfolds like a profoundly beautiful and simple poem. Another solid performance by Jae-yeong Jeong. It is a beautiful story of loneliness and the company you find at rock bottom. It is an ode to hope.This movie tugs at one's humanity and I think people from all parts of the world can relate and connect with this movie. I have noticed that a lot of Korean movies and dramas are very universal. Korean film industry has a lot of good story tellers.

So go watch them, now playing on Netflix now! Enjoy!

Mary Oliver's West Wind # 2

The first poem in Housden's Ten Poems to Change Your Life is Mary Oliver's West Wind # 2.  His first book also started with Mary Oliver. Like in the first book, this poem, beckons the reader to plunge into the book and to poetry, and in this case also into love. I especially like the Oliver's words, "Without fanfare, without embarrassment, without any doubt, I talk directly to your soul." I have been waiting for messages to my soul, which would suddenly make sense of everything and dictate what to do with my life. And here Oliver, speaks to my soul without the grandiose I expected. But it appeals to me since she speaks without embarrassment or doubt. Then she asks the reader, " Lift the oars from the water, let your arms rest, and your heart, and heart's little intelligence, and listen to me." I have always looked fervently looking for actions, something to do, being still scares me to death. I have felt the need to constantly engage with something. I have learned that I am a very impulsive person, who has struggled a lot to also listen to my own instincts and my true voice. Housden in his incredible generosity can relate, "I can pile into an idea or a course of action before I have barely given it the time of the day, with what can seem like arrogant certainty. This is what Oliver calls 'the heart's little intelligence': the  impulsive response of a heart governed by the emotion of the moment" (Housden, 18).
Housden proceeds to explain, 

" the impulsive heart...knows and sees the world with a naive and definite clarity ... The soul knows in a different way. It gathers honey in the dark from near and far. The soul is always connected to a larger life. It is joined by invisible threads to the soul of all other things, and in this way, the world whispers to it without ceasing. That is why it  is natural for the soul to pause, to listen, to wonder. Only the soul in us has the time to listen deeply"(Housden, 19).

I have always been conscious of my soul's desire to pause and listen. I have heard "the world whisper[ing] to it without ceasing" (Housden, 19). Like I said I am scared of the stillness; the pause. I have always fleed at the first inclination of a pause or stillness. I stopped meditating out of this fear. This blog is an exercise in learning to pause in small increments--baby steps. I am hoping that this will be a good safe way to let thoughts play. I realize that the act of writing is my way of satisfying the urge to act. But this is a good starting place. 

I have for a long time experienced what Housden describes eloquently, "nights carry[ing] other voices on the wings of dreams. Whispers of great empty spaces, lonely and afraid"(Housden, 20). Oliver betrays that alas, you can have a life without love, a life of action not in sync with voice and pull inside. Housden enlightens, "Trust and courage are qualities of soul, and you will need them both to follow the path of love" (Housden, 21). These are not exactly qualities that come easy to me. I do remember that my last venture into loving another, proved to me that I have these qualities innately. After getting my heart and life ripped to shreds in the wake of that relationship, I am a little cautious. I really thought I was in love, madly, deeply, like the whirling dervishes. But now I wonder if that could have been just an infatuation, blown up in mind feverish mind to resemble that which I seek. 

Housden clarifies, "Only you, in a quiet moment of receptivity, can know the difference between your soul's true direction and the convincing clamor of your life's current intensity"(Housden, 23). I feel that, my previously mentioned relationship showed me that I thirst for a life with love. Housden consoles, "Wherever you are in life, her lines all out to you to let yourself fall headlong; into life that has been waiting for you all along(Housden, 23). I look forward to it; it is a great consolation to know that this life with love is available always and waiting for me. After that relationship, I really felt like my life had stopped,a that it couldn't go anywhere, and certainly not where there is love. I have as time went on realized and with great joy and comfort that it is possible to have a life with love. Now it is upto me to listen for it, and to falling into it again. On this journey I am honored and thrilled to have Housden and the poets he enlists to jump in with me. 

Roger Housden and his ten poems

A few years back I had the chance to read Roger Housden's Ten Poems to Change Your Life. It was in this amazingly rich reading that I first met Rumi. And I fell in love. But the book offered more than just Rumi. It struck a profound chord somewhere dormant in my yearning soul. I had an experience quite similar to Georgiou in Housden's, Chasing Rumi, "A vision of beauty that poured through his veins the first time he saw Fra Angelico's Frecsco of the Sermon on the Mount" (Housden, Chasing Rumi, pp11). The poems in his book seemed like they were written for me. As though Housden was a somehow tuned into what reverberated in my depths. There is a sense of familiar and of comfort at finding a corner that called your name. Since then I have navigated several streams of life, but ultimately finding myself craving more, wanting  to plunge into what I trust to an vast expanse of love, gratification, satisfaction, that is just hidden from my view.

With this intention, I have picked up his other works hoping to find more, and to appease my restless and ever-growing desire. That was the point of this blog in the first place, to savor my thoughts; to listen to the deep and not to preserve the ceaseless voice within me. I am starting with Housden's Ten Poems to Open Your heart. I plan to read, digest, and process the poets and Housden, to find what I am listening to and what I am hearing.

Once again, I cooked the entire thanksgiving spread for my family. I can't tell you how much I love cooking thanksgiving every year. This year I had a fabulous spread...hit me up for recipes.

For the first course I made Avacado Beet Citrus Salad and Turkey Stuffed Mushrooms.

FIRST COURSE

Avacado Beet Citrus Spinach Salad with homemade croutons

Turkey Stuffed Mushrooms

Then we had Herb Roasted Turkey Breast with homemade Dairy Free Mashed Potatoes with chives, Crunchy Green Beans, Orange glaced Carrots, Studded Stuffing, Brandied Cranberry sauce, Turkey Gravy, Sweet Potatoes in coconut casserole, and homemade white corn muffins, presented in order below

Herb Roasted Turkey

Mashed Potatoes

Crunchy Green Beans

Orange Glaced Carrots

Studded Stuffing

Brandied Cranberry Sauce

Turkey Gravy

Sweet Potatoes in Coconut Casserole

White corn Muffins

My guests were delighted, I was thrilled that my first Lactose free thanksgiving was a great success!

Do let me know if you want my lactose free recipes!!!

This thanksgiving I am thankful for everyone in my family and for everyone who have become family!

Prithviraj Mamta tribute tum jo aaye

Check out my youtube channel for my video experiments:
http://www.youtube.com/user/desirebelle

My new favorite recipe

My dearest cousin Nadia, gave me some new recipes. So today I tried out the one she recommended highly- KASOORI MEETHI CHICKEN.

What gets to you first is the intoxicating aroma. It is such the fresh and inviting aroma. And the taste, what better word to describe other than Umami.

The best part of the recipe is that you DON'T HAVE TO CUT ONIONS for this fantastic recipe.

The dish taste good with white rice, Malabar Parotta, or Chapatti. It think it will also taste good with Naan.

Ingredients:

Whole Chicken ----One(cut into small pieces)

Oil----------------- 2 tablespoons

Garlic---------------8 cloves (chopped finely, you can substitute with garlic paste if you prefer, about 2 tablespoons)

Chicken Masala-----2 1/2 teaspoon (I used the chicken masala by Eastern Curry powder)

Tomato-------------1/2 a pound

Ginger-------------- a small piece about an inch or so (chopped finely)

Cilantro------------- 1/4 cup (chopped)[ save some to garnish as well]

Salt----------------- to taste

Kasoori Meethi------1 tablespoon (these are Fenugreek leaves, available at your local Indian grocery stores)

Garam Masala-------1/4 teaspoon (All the masalas are available at your local Indian grocery store)

Heat oil in a chef's pot or large skillet. When the oil is hot add garlic and chicken masala. Let that cook until the oil starts to come out a little. Now add tomato, ginger, and 1/4 of the cilantro. Let that cook; once again til you see the oil come out. You will start smelling the appetizing aroma of this dish. Add your chicken pieces and salt. When the chicken is cooked and changed its color, add kasoori meethi and garam masala. Let stand in heat for two minutes. Take off the heat and garnish with the remaining cilantro. Serve hot with rice or an Indian bread of your choice. Enjoy!

Well stay tuned for other recipes I might post here.

oh the diaster that is my life

pardon the sarcasm...but sometimes I don't know what comes over me...I overreact and make a big deal out of everything...

My boyfriend is really amazing...he loves me dearly and is very patient with me...throughout my bouts of insecurities and crazies...I have been smothering him lately because of my insecurity...and today I was talking to one of my closest girlfriends and I realized just how much my boyfriend really loves me...and I felt soo silly. But I am glad to have such a good friend who gave me the space to be my dark self...she allowed me to express myself fully and honestly in all my shame, misery, insecurity and eagerness...she helped realize what my poor boyfriend was already telling me...was true...she also told me that this wasn't the be all end all that I was making it out to be...

I am truly grateful to have such a wonderful friend, and incredibly grateful and happy to have a fantastic boyfriend who loves me.

Sometimes I am soo silly and my judgment gets soo clouded...so I wanted to write this so the next time I overreact, this will remind me to think twice.

Lately I had been feeling like I need to spend every waking moment with my boyfriend...but I realized today that I need space to process and intergrate this love and all the other emotions into my being. I need the space to allow me to truly see and appreciate this realtionship.
I also need the time and space to let this growth process really work....I need to allow for the growth.

oh and if you have been curious about my housing situation...I had to get more paperwork in today...I hope to hear the good news soon...Keep sending me your good thoughts.

Mother's day is coming up and I have been thinking about what to get my mom for mother's day. More than anything I just wanted her to know that she is loved and appreciated and not just because its mother's day...but because she has been having a tough time lately.

It has been really hard on her to see me spend less time at home...and now that I am moving it is going to be harder on her. I love her and want her to truly be happy and find happiness in her life. I just want her to know that eventhough we have differences of opinions, and distance between us...I still love her and she is still important to me and I want her in my life. I have been away a lot lately, and she misses me. And my brother has also been away...times are a bit tough for my mom.....so gentle reader keep sending your good thoughts her way as well.

The other thing that has been on my mind is my cousin who is getting married as i type. Her's is an arranged marriage and I am a little nervous. I don't know the boy at all...and sounds like she doesn't know him a whole lot either. I sincerely hope that he is nice guy who will love and respect her like she deserves to be. So that's another person for whom I wish the best and send all my good thoughts...hopefully you will also send your good thoughts her way.

I am also trying to get back on the diet and exercise bandwagon...my friend and I are going to an appointment with this personal trainer next...hopefully that will help.

So there thats what's going on in my world right now. Tune in for more...

almost a place of my own

So I was talking to the people at the studio apartments that I am interested in renting. The lady informed me that all my background and credit checks have cleared. They are just waiting on my employment verification forms to be returned. She said there is a really good chance of me getting the place and that I would know by later this week or at the very latest next week.

I have my fingers crossed. Give me in your good thoughts readers and feel free to send good vibes my way.

I was also talking last night to my cousin who is about to get married. I hope that you will keep her in your good thoughts as well. I hope that her marriage will be blessed and blissful. I wish only the best for her!

That's all for today folks! I hope to tell you soon that I have got a place of my own!
:D

where to next?

I just got back from my cousin's wedding in Buffalo. It was fun, tiring, exciting and dramatic. Unfortunately I contracted Bronchitis while I was there. It was a simple but beautiful wedding. I am really happy for my cousin.

My life is also taking a few new turns.

I am if you did not already know in the process of trying to make it on my own. I have been trying to look for a place to move to that I can afford. By random chance, a good friend of my took me to the open house of these brand new studios near her current residence. I filled out an application on the spot. They told me that they have a 6 to 12 month waiting list.

I liked the place. It is small but suits my purposes. It is not in the best of neighborhood, not it is not in the worst either. But my friend and I walked to a bunch of different apartment complexes, saw open models and the likes.

I want a place of my own. I browsed through craigslist and called a few places. Saw a few houses and rooms, but the ones that sounded good were taken and the ones I saw I did not like.

Then after I came from Buffalo, I had a dream. I dreamt that I now lived in the studios that I saw. The next day they called me for a second round of applications and an interview.

Today I had my interview, I am really hoping to get this place. The only downer is that my friend who might have been my neighbor is now moving to a different neighborhood. But this is a good place for me to start and I would really like to get it. So now I wait to see if I will get it or not.

Send me your good thoughts and vibes!

I am ready to take off to new lands...I hope the winds will blow in my favor and I will start new, fresh, strong, and happy.

SFIAAFF Opening Night

Cameras flash away incessantly! Red carpets gleams! Fans and stars wait in excitement! Then I walk in. the wind blows the hair away from my face. I feel like a million bucks! The volunteers direct me to the guest check in line. I tell them who I am – DELEGATE, STUDENT DELEGATE!

I couldn’t wait to say that. I am been so excited ever since SFIAAFF picked me to one of their student delegates. I couldn’t wait to meet the others. I have been attending this festival for the past 4-5 years. This festival is unique in how it treats its patrons. I have always felt like a VIP at the festival.

This is the first year that SFIAAFF is doing this student delegate program. I wasn’t entirely sure what a student delegate will have to do. But it is my understanding that we are the student voice of the festival. As such it is my greatest pleasure to fill you in on my experiences at the festival.

Yesterday the festival, kicked off with its Opening Film and GALA. I got to attend the film but could not make it to the Gala. I imagine the Gala was a lot of fun. The opening film was very interesting.

SFIAAFF opened with Lee Yoon-Ki’s “MY DEAR ENEMY.” I have not watched any of director Lee Yoon-Ki’s film. But this was good introduction. It was like a good appetizer, I wanted to see more of this director’s work after the movie.

The film had an extraordinary opening, the likes of which I have not seen very often. It opens on a couple waiting in a parking lot. Then they get a phone call inviting them to the building next to them. As they walk in a few people are coming out, the camera abandons the couple and follows these people for a while. That is until a nervous lady enters the frame. The camera then picks up the lady and we follow her into the building.

It turns out to be some kind of racing track. The lady is lost and looking for someone. She then finds the person she is looking for. It was the guy from the first couple the camera opened on. Then the story is revealed. Apparently this man owes this woman money and she is here to collect. She is also his ex-girlfriend from a year ago. The rest of the movie is basically him borrowing money from people he knows (mostly women) to repay his ex-girlfriend.

The opening is a little confusing at first but it works. The director mentioned in the opening that this opening was meant to make us feel like the female lead (the ex-girlfriend). He mentioned that this was his humble homage to his favorite film makers like Robert Altman, Woody Allen, and Stanley Kubrick. In my opinion the opening was exciting and grabbed my interest, but a little misdirecting. I was expecting it to be a movie similar to that of the OCEAN’s series, with full of witty fast paced, con artists sweeping us of our feet.

Well the movie does deliver us the con-artist. The lead male character is a charming, day-dreaming, con artist. Throughout the movie, this character draws us to his side, charming us with happy go-lucky attitude and sincerity. His motivations are clear and simple and we can easily identify and engage with him. But the female lead is a little harder to access. But since the camera makes her intimate to us, we end up rooting for her.

I was not clear about her motivations. It was not clear to me why she decided to ask her ex for the money after a year. Perhaps she was in dire need for money. She hints at it being more complex than that. But when confronted, she doesn’t reveal it to us. It leaves me wondering; if she just wanted to see him. Perhaps she wanted to confirmation that she did the right thing. Maybe she just missed him. It is almost as if she falls in love with him over again. Maybe she doesn’t know what she wants. But either way we fall in love with the both of them.

If I had to sum up the movie in one word, I would say that it was CHARMING! It is also a neat introduction to life in Seoul. It was a good cross section of the women in Seoul. It was a good watch. I came out wanting to watch more from this crew. The first act is really short, but the beginning of the second act is a little slow but then you are swept away by the movie. If you liked BEFORE SUNRISE, you will like this movie. I can’t wait for tonight’s screenings. Tonight we get to watch KARMA CALLING, and THE SPEED OF LIFE. Check back to see my review of these movies.

the benevolence of the universe.

I must be on the right path. The universe has decided to throw me the sweet most amazing surprise. So I must be doing what I am supposed to do. I am soo glad that I am open and staying open to the universe.

I just have to remember to breathe and not take the universe and its benevolence for granted.
I am glad that I am able to be 100% genuine and 150% be here in the moment.

I just wanted to let you my faithful readers know that I am very very happy.

delhi-6

I just watched Delhi-6. I went in with no expectations and came out, satisfied. It was a good movie. I loved Abhishek Bachchan's role, he reminded me of my brother. The character Roshan is a lot like my brother. My brother has a strong sense of self. From this he is able to reach out and accept everyone and everything, perfect or imperfect.

Dear old me on the other hand, don't have as strong a sense of self. From a young age I have had an incredibly co-dependent relationship with my mother. As such separating myself from her identity and finding myself has been hard. In the process, I repel a lot of my mother identity.
I have a harder time accepting everyone and everything as a result.

But the good news is that I still love my mother. By purging myself of my mother's identity and finding and identifying my own is helping me. Eventually, when I have a stronger sense of self I will be able to accept, embrace and live with the parts of me that came from my mother.

If you are a little confused reader, I can empathize. I am a little confused myself. But each day of active searching for my voice, my identity, helps me get clarity. I am sure that I will grow and mature into the person I was always meant to be.

For now I keep trying.

Sorry for digressing from Delhi-6. I liked it. Although since I just literally watched it minutes ago, much has yet to sink in. I am sure that I can better appreciate or not appreciate it at a later time.

I just want to say that the soundtrack sounds really good. I like the overall message. I loved the Ram-Leela play within the movie. That was a truly exceptional production.

The snapshots of Delhi within the movie were mind blowing.

I especially love this line from the movie: Only dogs eat to survive; humans eat to bond." I totally agree with this 120%.

I also like the line Rishi Kapoor's character, Ali delivers:"We don't have bread; so we make do with love. We have small houses; so we boast of a big heart." That line made me understand India in depths that I could never understand before.

So as you can tell, I did like the movie.

I'm making it happen

I am tired of just waiting on the sidelines, for my fairytale life to happen. I have decided to jump right in as is my nature and make my life what I want it to be. No more feeling sorry for myself, thinking that I am not good enough. I am good enough, in fact I am more than good enough. I deserve the life I want.

I am losing weight on Jenny Craig. I am working hard and playing hard. I am putting myself out there for people to meet. I feel good about myself.

I am more forgiving and accepting of myself. I am okie with the fact that I am neither light nor shadow. I exist somewhere in between. I am neither in nor out. I am more than my fears. I am more than my doubts. I am more than my talents. I am more than my body. I am more than my mind. I am whole. And I love every part of my being.

I am once again ready to abandon myself in the benevolent arms of the universe. I am ready to trust. I am ready to be trusted. I am ready to love. I am ready to be loved. I am ready to breathe. I am ready to live.

I dive in head first for others, its about time that I do the same for me.

I am committed to me as I am now, and in the future where change and growth are inevitable.

day 2

I had a bit of trouble getting my day started...I got to work...and had to rush to lobby...once I got all my lobby things set up...I got to have my cereal.

I love cereal...I always have...cereal makes me happy...and these Jenny craig...frosted oats cereal is divine...it was crunchy and sweet...and amazing....I love it...plus
I got to drink milk...I love milk...
And my fruit sald that I made was awesome...it was delicious.
I had to take a 10-100 and go get my anytime bar...which I am not a fan of...I just think its too tedious...back more on my day 2 later

my gallavanting thoughts

I feel like I have nothing to write. It always starts this way. I think I have writer's block so I just start writing...anything...everything... for example, ellipses, I think are my favorite punctuation mark...I love the feeling of thought that continues to flow and not stopping for any period
I would have a hard time trying to keep my mind still... If you think I am talkative...my mind will stump you...it is constantly conversing.

There is is no time that I can recall where it has not had any thoughts...I think what I am really concerned about is meditation.

I have resolved that this year I will engage in a spiritual activity of some form...I am trying to figure out what I need to do for that...perhaps I should attend art of living classes...perhaps i need to meditate...maybe i need to go to church...then again...writing in itself can be my spiritual activity.

Perhaps I should identify what I am seeking to gain form spiritual activity...growth..awareness...connection to the indescribable vastness of the universe...openness...understanding...a sense of belonging...compassion...I think I just want to be plugged in to the energy, goodwill, wisdom, and love of the universe.

Maybe my study of Joseph Campbell would be a good start...there it is...the answer is always within reach yet somehow most of the time...it seems cloaked...hidden away...perhaps it is me who is hidden and cloaked.

This year is about me coming out to hiding...facing the world and growing into the person I was always meant to be.

I want to have the focus and stamina of someone like Micheal Phelps, the courage, vision and determination of someone like Barak Obama, the wisdom, the lightheartedness and spirit of someone like Jon Stewart and the innocence and wonder of someone like Flight of the Conchords or Demitri Martin.

I am counting on the generosity of the universe to help me in my mission.

What I need now is to believe in myself. I am capable of wonderful things. I can accomplish my goals. I am talented, smart and resourceful. I am kind and tolerant. I am open minded. I have the strength to pick myself up after failures. I have the perseverance to follow through with my plans. I have the energy to accomplish my goals. I have the good company of many to help me through this. I am not ashamed or afraid of who I am. I am a good person and I deserve good things.

Hello 2009!

Hello 2009!
I love New Years! I love them for the excitement, the parties, the fireworks, the friends and most of all for the fresh start. This year I was again fortunate to go to San Francisco for New Year celebrations.
It was fun as always. I love the energy of the excited people...people partying in the streets...it was great!
As always this new year I made some resolutions. But this year I am committed to my resolutions 110%.
I really do want to keep them. i am enlisting the help of my friends, my family and others to help me keep my resolutions.

Without further ado,

Be it resolved that I Lady Archa, will give my all in accomplishing the following:

1. I will control my diet and increase my physical activity to get to a healthy weight. I have a total of 80lbs to loose to get to a healthy weight. I have enlisted the help of the famous, Jenny Craig, to help me in this epic battle.
   
2. I will keep a journal faithfully and write even when I don't think I can write anything good. I will not judge what I write. I will simply write.
3. I will be more mindful of others. I will make an effort to be more thoughtful. I will submit to the vast universe beyond my own being.
   
4. I will stay open to life, universe and everything.
5. I will read more.
6. I will be more frugal.
7. I will be more organized.
8. I will make time to engage in a spiritual activity of some kind.
9. I will try new things.
10. I will face my fears.

While these seem like lofty ambitions, I am confident that I can accomplish them. I have faith in myself. I trust that my loved ones will not let me fail.

So 2009, I welcome you with open arms. I am ready to meet you!

Letting go

I can’t stop thinking about you

You are in my thoughts when I am awake

You are in my dreams when I try to sleep

It seems as though there is no escaping you

I wonder what the universe has in store for us

I know that I should just trust the universe

I have such a hard time just letting go and trusting the universe

But how can I expect my glass to be filled if I already have liquid in there

So help me universe to fall into your immense graces

I surrender to your unparalleled and unfathomable wisdom

I have to breathe, breathe into the incomparable goodwill of the universe

I am grateful universe, for your generosity so far

I have never been this happy before

I should have known that

Happiness was always what you had planned for me

Now I am ready to open up my arms and my whole being and fall into your bountiful arms.

Zero Circle

This is merely the prologue of some bigger. I hope that I shall keep working on this one.
*********************************************************************

The night stood still as though the silver envelope of the full moon had trapped everything in its loving embrace. Even my mind seemed frozen and still in the intoxicating silver moonlight. The papers in front of me were intimidating me with their blank faces. I had been sitting at my desk for what seemed like an eternity. The tip of my fountain pen was parched, so I dipped it in the open ink bottle. That too was in vain, the ink just dripped on to the blotting paper that lined my writing desk. The ink saturated the blotting paper as if in mockery of my current incapacity to stain the papers in front of me. It was an unusually mesmerizing night; this is the kind of night that usually fuels the writing machine. Yet, I sat there helpless, and dumbfounded like in the poem by Rumi that I had been reading. I was lying in the Zero circle, completely mute waiting for grace and tremendous eloquence. And nothing happened.

I got up from the desk and walked on to the balcony. A light breeze came by in an effort I am sure, to console me. Even the crickets were chirping on words of encouragement. I looked down to the front yard stretched out on the usually vibrant hill, that my house was perched on top of. The hill seemed to bow down in mourning for my current impotence. The air turned sweet in an instance and I spotted the jasmines blooming right under the balcony. They looked like a little stars blooming under my feet. Soon the whole yard was filled with this celestial benevolence. Even fireflies stopped by. The universe was stretching its merciful wings to tuck me into a generous place. It was just as Rumi said it would be, miraculous beings were coming to help and I was surrounded by a mighty kindness. The breeze that consoled me soon gave way to some wind. I stood there for a moment beguiled by the grace that had as Rumi would say, gathered me up.

I turned to my desk which to my surprise was in a state of chaos. The papers were flying all around. I am not sure if it was their impatience that had given way to this restlessness or if it the winds that were getting stronger. I tried to collect them and bring them back under my pen. But they would not yield and the winds had now taken their side. The winds were almost violent in their aid to the papers who were firm in their ways. The huge thick curtains that lined the lofty windows bellowed in support of the papers. The helplessness I felt earlier was increasing tenfold; perhaps the grace I felt earlier had left my side and taken the side of the stubborn papers. A strange sense of fear started to crawl through my mind. I was overwhelmed; I had no choice but to surrender. The winds roared in ridicule. The curtains were positively inflated with derision.

The winds took over the entire room, even the moon hid behind the darkest clouds it could find. Even lighting put its feet down. I was out of my element here. Now I was truly crazed, helpless, dumbfounded and mute. The winds gathered me up in its magnificent wings and carried me out of the room above the roof of my house, above the dark clouds that the moon was hiding behind. I looked ahead to see the fireflies still dancing around as though they were guiding the winds on this treacherous journey. I glanced behind to see the papers behind me flying with all their might. My desk had also joined this faction. I felt like a prisoner being transported under heavy guards to some unknown undisclosed location, where I could be kept under close watch. Below me the gentle hills had given way to the shimmering beaches. They were taking me over the playful Arabian Sea who seemed unaware of my kidnapping. My room now seemed like a distant memory. My fear had been replaced by a perilous sense of curiosity.

The fireflies began to dive down and the turbulent winds followed suit. The drop was steep and swift. I landed in the middle of a desert somewhere. The winds had plopped me back on my chair. The desk landed in front of me. The fireflies disappeared without a trace. The papers were still wrecking havoc above me. The sandy bosoms of the desert seemed still except for my captors who seemed to be discussing how best to dispose of me. They were flighty and rash creatures my captors. They deliberated hastily. Soon I was being pulled as though on a light speed conveyor belt, which came to a sudden halt in the middle of a large stone courtyard. I was thrown off my chair and on to the ground, pen still in hand. My captors seemed pleased; they were now merrily dancing above me. I could see something else; I could see people. They were flying with papers in hand. They were trying to trap some sort of insects with obliging papers. I soon understood the gravity of the situation; those were not insects but words. I could see the words flying reckless from…I could not believe my eyes! The words were flying out of the mouth of a whirling dervish, whirling away in the middle of this courtyard. The people were flying above me were scribes desperately trying to collect the precious words being spilled out of the dervish.

This is where grace had brought me. I felt a sudden sense of serenity taking over by being. I was not afraid anymore. I was soon filled with an abundance of joy and ecstasy. Even the papers, who were once cross with me were now in a forgiving mood. The papers began to surrender to my pen, who kept staining the papers incessantly as though it had just been given new life. I do not recall how long I wrote for. I do not remember how long the dervish kept pouring words; or how long the scribes kept trapping the words. I awoke the next morning, strangely enough back in my room, at my desk. I was back at my home on the jasmine covered hilltop. I can not to this day explain this extremely enthralling and puzzling adventure. Was it all some strange dream I had? Why did I feel so sore and exhausted? Then I saw it, there lay on my desk a stack of papers stained with countless words. My ink bottle was empty. I had written something down. Perhaps it was not a dream after all. I picked up the papers to read the following story. When I first read the story I felt as though a familiar voice was whispering the story to me. I tried to figure out whose voice it was. It was so familiar yet I had a hard time identifying the voice. Then it dawned on me that I was in fact listening to my own voice. It seems strange some part of my being could remember giving birth to story. I cannot and should not hold you back; this is what I found on those pages.

Hymenoplasty

I was at Starbucks this morning...and read something quite interesting in the NYT.
There was an article about Muslim women in France getting hymenoplasties. Apparently the cosmetic surgeons have outdid themselves, by restoring women's hymen. I am not sure if I have any fully formed thoughts on the matter yet. I suppose now you could restore someones virginity. What does it mean anyway? A women who has been raped can get a hymenoplasty, but that would not restore what has been heinously taken from her. But I don't pretend, not be happy for women who would like to have their hymens replaced for the purpose of marriage. Although I am not sure I would want these women to be married to men who have such ridiculous demands on them. Like I said I have not yet fully developed my thoughts on this development.

But it has certainly got my wheels turning. I miss being at debate tournaments. I miss the constant intellectual stimulation. I suppose I have let other things get in the way of my intellectual journey. But all is well, I just have to find my center again and all will work as it should.

Conspiracy of the universe

It is my strongest belief that when you are stumble upon what you are meant to do, the universe will conspire to have all the odds in your favor.

A few months ago, I had this gut feeling that the universe was planning to align everything in my favor. I had signed up to volunteer for a local film festival, that I loved attending. During the volunteer orientation, I was suddenly overcome by this incredible sensation of finally being where I was supposed to be. I felt like I was doing something that I was always meant to do. I felt useful, I felt utterly satisfied.

I did have an awesome time at the festival. But the festival gave me an opportunity to watch really awesome movies, meet some amazing people....one person in particular was especially intriguing. So this mystery person works at a local coffee shop. I went in there one morning of the festival. I had my festival T-shirt on. I ordered the same 'ol americanized chai. The barista was very attentive and friendly. He quickly engaged me in conversation. He asked me if the festival was still going on. I said yes and walked away with my chai. Later I was thinking about the conversation and remembered that I had a free film voucher. So I took the the voucher and a festival program to the barista. The barista was taken aback and was very excited. He cam in to watch a movie. I felt really happy. I was glad that I was able to do something totally nice for a stranger. I have since met this barista several times and had some really great conversations. I guess I made a new friend in the process.

The whole experience helped me realize that I wanted to do something that gives back to my community. So I applied to a local museum...and lo and behold the universe conspired to get me a wonderful job there. I am now the happiest I have been in months. My job lets me meet more fascinating people, while giving me the satisfaction of giving back to my community. I am learning a lot of new things at my job. Its makes me feel like an active member of my community. I finally feel like I belong.

After graduating from college, I had a lot of anxiety about where my life was headed. I was insecure and suffering from bouts of depression. I felt like I was doing something wrong. Everyone else seemed to have everything planned out. I felt like I was disappointing everyone, mostly I was disappointing myself.

This job has made me realize that I am a good capable person with lots of potential and talents. It has made me realize that I have a place and purpose in this universe. I realize now that I am my own person, and as such cannot dance to the beats of everyone else's drums.

After this self acceptance, I feel like the universe has been waiting to oblige me. Now that I am happy with myself the universe seems to have rearranged itself to make way for me.

I recently heard a really nice song. It was part of the soundtrack of Aamir Khan's directorial debut, "Taare Zameen Par." A really awesome-must-watch-movie! But I digress! The song had the following chorus:

"tu doop hain, jam se bikar,
tu hain nadi, oh bekhabar!
ud chal kahin, bahe chal kahin
dil kush jahan...teri to manzil hain wahan!"

For those of you who did not understand the lyrics, it roughly translates to: you are the rays of the sun, disperse with might, you are a river, o you unaware soul!
Fly away somewhere, flow away spmewhere
wherever your heart is happy, that is your destiny!

I guess you do loose something in translation. But it is a great song...and my translation probably does not do it justice. But needless to say I feel confident and ready to live life.