oh the diaster that is my life

pardon the sarcasm...but sometimes I don't know what comes over me...I overreact and make a big deal out of everything...

My boyfriend is really amazing...he loves me dearly and is very patient with me...throughout my bouts of insecurities and crazies...I have been smothering him lately because of my insecurity...and today I was talking to one of my closest girlfriends and I realized just how much my boyfriend really loves me...and I felt soo silly. But I am glad to have such a good friend who gave me the space to be my dark self...she allowed me to express myself fully and honestly in all my shame, misery, insecurity and eagerness...she helped realize what my poor boyfriend was already telling me...was true...she also told me that this wasn't the be all end all that I was making it out to be...

I am truly grateful to have such a wonderful friend, and incredibly grateful and happy to have a fantastic boyfriend who loves me.

Sometimes I am soo silly and my judgment gets soo clouded...so I wanted to write this so the next time I overreact, this will remind me to think twice.

Lately I had been feeling like I need to spend every waking moment with my boyfriend...but I realized today that I need space to process and intergrate this love and all the other emotions into my being. I need the space to allow me to truly see and appreciate this realtionship.
I also need the time and space to let this growth process really work....I need to allow for the growth.

oh and if you have been curious about my housing situation...I had to get more paperwork in today...I hope to hear the good news soon...Keep sending me your good thoughts.

Mother's day is coming up and I have been thinking about what to get my mom for mother's day. More than anything I just wanted her to know that she is loved and appreciated and not just because its mother's day...but because she has been having a tough time lately.

It has been really hard on her to see me spend less time at home...and now that I am moving it is going to be harder on her. I love her and want her to truly be happy and find happiness in her life. I just want her to know that eventhough we have differences of opinions, and distance between us...I still love her and she is still important to me and I want her in my life. I have been away a lot lately, and she misses me. And my brother has also been away...times are a bit tough for my mom.....so gentle reader keep sending your good thoughts her way as well.

The other thing that has been on my mind is my cousin who is getting married as i type. Her's is an arranged marriage and I am a little nervous. I don't know the boy at all...and sounds like she doesn't know him a whole lot either. I sincerely hope that he is nice guy who will love and respect her like she deserves to be. So that's another person for whom I wish the best and send all my good thoughts...hopefully you will also send your good thoughts her way.

I am also trying to get back on the diet and exercise bandwagon...my friend and I are going to an appointment with this personal trainer next...hopefully that will help.

So there thats what's going on in my world right now. Tune in for more...

almost a place of my own

So I was talking to the people at the studio apartments that I am interested in renting. The lady informed me that all my background and credit checks have cleared. They are just waiting on my employment verification forms to be returned. She said there is a really good chance of me getting the place and that I would know by later this week or at the very latest next week.

I have my fingers crossed. Give me in your good thoughts readers and feel free to send good vibes my way.

I was also talking last night to my cousin who is about to get married. I hope that you will keep her in your good thoughts as well. I hope that her marriage will be blessed and blissful. I wish only the best for her!

That's all for today folks! I hope to tell you soon that I have got a place of my own!
:D

where to next?

I just got back from my cousin's wedding in Buffalo. It was fun, tiring, exciting and dramatic. Unfortunately I contracted Bronchitis while I was there. It was a simple but beautiful wedding. I am really happy for my cousin.

My life is also taking a few new turns.

I am if you did not already know in the process of trying to make it on my own. I have been trying to look for a place to move to that I can afford. By random chance, a good friend of my took me to the open house of these brand new studios near her current residence. I filled out an application on the spot. They told me that they have a 6 to 12 month waiting list.

I liked the place. It is small but suits my purposes. It is not in the best of neighborhood, not it is not in the worst either. But my friend and I walked to a bunch of different apartment complexes, saw open models and the likes.

I want a place of my own. I browsed through craigslist and called a few places. Saw a few houses and rooms, but the ones that sounded good were taken and the ones I saw I did not like.

Then after I came from Buffalo, I had a dream. I dreamt that I now lived in the studios that I saw. The next day they called me for a second round of applications and an interview.

Today I had my interview, I am really hoping to get this place. The only downer is that my friend who might have been my neighbor is now moving to a different neighborhood. But this is a good place for me to start and I would really like to get it. So now I wait to see if I will get it or not.

Send me your good thoughts and vibes!

I am ready to take off to new lands...I hope the winds will blow in my favor and I will start new, fresh, strong, and happy.

SFIAAFF Opening Night

Cameras flash away incessantly! Red carpets gleams! Fans and stars wait in excitement! Then I walk in. the wind blows the hair away from my face. I feel like a million bucks! The volunteers direct me to the guest check in line. I tell them who I am – DELEGATE, STUDENT DELEGATE!

I couldn’t wait to say that. I am been so excited ever since SFIAAFF picked me to one of their student delegates. I couldn’t wait to meet the others. I have been attending this festival for the past 4-5 years. This festival is unique in how it treats its patrons. I have always felt like a VIP at the festival.

This is the first year that SFIAAFF is doing this student delegate program. I wasn’t entirely sure what a student delegate will have to do. But it is my understanding that we are the student voice of the festival. As such it is my greatest pleasure to fill you in on my experiences at the festival.

Yesterday the festival, kicked off with its Opening Film and GALA. I got to attend the film but could not make it to the Gala. I imagine the Gala was a lot of fun. The opening film was very interesting.

SFIAAFF opened with Lee Yoon-Ki’s “MY DEAR ENEMY.” I have not watched any of director Lee Yoon-Ki’s film. But this was good introduction. It was like a good appetizer, I wanted to see more of this director’s work after the movie.

The film had an extraordinary opening, the likes of which I have not seen very often. It opens on a couple waiting in a parking lot. Then they get a phone call inviting them to the building next to them. As they walk in a few people are coming out, the camera abandons the couple and follows these people for a while. That is until a nervous lady enters the frame. The camera then picks up the lady and we follow her into the building.

It turns out to be some kind of racing track. The lady is lost and looking for someone. She then finds the person she is looking for. It was the guy from the first couple the camera opened on. Then the story is revealed. Apparently this man owes this woman money and she is here to collect. She is also his ex-girlfriend from a year ago. The rest of the movie is basically him borrowing money from people he knows (mostly women) to repay his ex-girlfriend.

The opening is a little confusing at first but it works. The director mentioned in the opening that this opening was meant to make us feel like the female lead (the ex-girlfriend). He mentioned that this was his humble homage to his favorite film makers like Robert Altman, Woody Allen, and Stanley Kubrick. In my opinion the opening was exciting and grabbed my interest, but a little misdirecting. I was expecting it to be a movie similar to that of the OCEAN’s series, with full of witty fast paced, con artists sweeping us of our feet.

Well the movie does deliver us the con-artist. The lead male character is a charming, day-dreaming, con artist. Throughout the movie, this character draws us to his side, charming us with happy go-lucky attitude and sincerity. His motivations are clear and simple and we can easily identify and engage with him. But the female lead is a little harder to access. But since the camera makes her intimate to us, we end up rooting for her.

I was not clear about her motivations. It was not clear to me why she decided to ask her ex for the money after a year. Perhaps she was in dire need for money. She hints at it being more complex than that. But when confronted, she doesn’t reveal it to us. It leaves me wondering; if she just wanted to see him. Perhaps she wanted to confirmation that she did the right thing. Maybe she just missed him. It is almost as if she falls in love with him over again. Maybe she doesn’t know what she wants. But either way we fall in love with the both of them.

If I had to sum up the movie in one word, I would say that it was CHARMING! It is also a neat introduction to life in Seoul. It was a good cross section of the women in Seoul. It was a good watch. I came out wanting to watch more from this crew. The first act is really short, but the beginning of the second act is a little slow but then you are swept away by the movie. If you liked BEFORE SUNRISE, you will like this movie. I can’t wait for tonight’s screenings. Tonight we get to watch KARMA CALLING, and THE SPEED OF LIFE. Check back to see my review of these movies.

the benevolence of the universe.

I must be on the right path. The universe has decided to throw me the sweet most amazing surprise. So I must be doing what I am supposed to do. I am soo glad that I am open and staying open to the universe.

I just have to remember to breathe and not take the universe and its benevolence for granted.
I am glad that I am able to be 100% genuine and 150% be here in the moment.

I just wanted to let you my faithful readers know that I am very very happy.

delhi-6

I just watched Delhi-6. I went in with no expectations and came out, satisfied. It was a good movie. I loved Abhishek Bachchan's role, he reminded me of my brother. The character Roshan is a lot like my brother. My brother has a strong sense of self. From this he is able to reach out and accept everyone and everything, perfect or imperfect.

Dear old me on the other hand, don't have as strong a sense of self. From a young age I have had an incredibly co-dependent relationship with my mother. As such separating myself from her identity and finding myself has been hard. In the process, I repel a lot of my mother identity.
I have a harder time accepting everyone and everything as a result.

But the good news is that I still love my mother. By purging myself of my mother's identity and finding and identifying my own is helping me. Eventually, when I have a stronger sense of self I will be able to accept, embrace and live with the parts of me that came from my mother.

If you are a little confused reader, I can empathize. I am a little confused myself. But each day of active searching for my voice, my identity, helps me get clarity. I am sure that I will grow and mature into the person I was always meant to be.

For now I keep trying.

Sorry for digressing from Delhi-6. I liked it. Although since I just literally watched it minutes ago, much has yet to sink in. I am sure that I can better appreciate or not appreciate it at a later time.

I just want to say that the soundtrack sounds really good. I like the overall message. I loved the Ram-Leela play within the movie. That was a truly exceptional production.

The snapshots of Delhi within the movie were mind blowing.

I especially love this line from the movie: Only dogs eat to survive; humans eat to bond." I totally agree with this 120%.

I also like the line Rishi Kapoor's character, Ali delivers:"We don't have bread; so we make do with love. We have small houses; so we boast of a big heart." That line made me understand India in depths that I could never understand before.

So as you can tell, I did like the movie.

I'm making it happen

I am tired of just waiting on the sidelines, for my fairytale life to happen. I have decided to jump right in as is my nature and make my life what I want it to be. No more feeling sorry for myself, thinking that I am not good enough. I am good enough, in fact I am more than good enough. I deserve the life I want.

I am losing weight on Jenny Craig. I am working hard and playing hard. I am putting myself out there for people to meet. I feel good about myself.

I am more forgiving and accepting of myself. I am okie with the fact that I am neither light nor shadow. I exist somewhere in between. I am neither in nor out. I am more than my fears. I am more than my doubts. I am more than my talents. I am more than my body. I am more than my mind. I am whole. And I love every part of my being.

I am once again ready to abandon myself in the benevolent arms of the universe. I am ready to trust. I am ready to be trusted. I am ready to love. I am ready to be loved. I am ready to breathe. I am ready to live.

I dive in head first for others, its about time that I do the same for me.

I am committed to me as I am now, and in the future where change and growth are inevitable.

day 2

I had a bit of trouble getting my day started...I got to work...and had to rush to lobby...once I got all my lobby things set up...I got to have my cereal.

I love cereal...I always have...cereal makes me happy...and these Jenny craig...frosted oats cereal is divine...it was crunchy and sweet...and amazing....I love it...plus
I got to drink milk...I love milk...
And my fruit sald that I made was awesome...it was delicious.
I had to take a 10-100 and go get my anytime bar...which I am not a fan of...I just think its too tedious...back more on my day 2 later

my gallavanting thoughts

I feel like I have nothing to write. It always starts this way. I think I have writer's block so I just start writing...anything...everything... for example, ellipses, I think are my favorite punctuation mark...I love the feeling of thought that continues to flow and not stopping for any period
I would have a hard time trying to keep my mind still... If you think I am talkative...my mind will stump you...it is constantly conversing.

There is is no time that I can recall where it has not had any thoughts...I think what I am really concerned about is meditation.

I have resolved that this year I will engage in a spiritual activity of some form...I am trying to figure out what I need to do for that...perhaps I should attend art of living classes...perhaps i need to meditate...maybe i need to go to church...then again...writing in itself can be my spiritual activity.

Perhaps I should identify what I am seeking to gain form spiritual activity...growth..awareness...connection to the indescribable vastness of the universe...openness...understanding...a sense of belonging...compassion...I think I just want to be plugged in to the energy, goodwill, wisdom, and love of the universe.

Maybe my study of Joseph Campbell would be a good start...there it is...the answer is always within reach yet somehow most of the time...it seems cloaked...hidden away...perhaps it is me who is hidden and cloaked.

This year is about me coming out to hiding...facing the world and growing into the person I was always meant to be.

I want to have the focus and stamina of someone like Micheal Phelps, the courage, vision and determination of someone like Barak Obama, the wisdom, the lightheartedness and spirit of someone like Jon Stewart and the innocence and wonder of someone like Flight of the Conchords or Demitri Martin.

I am counting on the generosity of the universe to help me in my mission.

What I need now is to believe in myself. I am capable of wonderful things. I can accomplish my goals. I am talented, smart and resourceful. I am kind and tolerant. I am open minded. I have the strength to pick myself up after failures. I have the perseverance to follow through with my plans. I have the energy to accomplish my goals. I have the good company of many to help me through this. I am not ashamed or afraid of who I am. I am a good person and I deserve good things.

Hello 2009!

Hello 2009!
I love New Years! I love them for the excitement, the parties, the fireworks, the friends and most of all for the fresh start. This year I was again fortunate to go to San Francisco for New Year celebrations.
It was fun as always. I love the energy of the excited people...people partying in the streets...it was great!
As always this new year I made some resolutions. But this year I am committed to my resolutions 110%.
I really do want to keep them. i am enlisting the help of my friends, my family and others to help me keep my resolutions.

Without further ado,

Be it resolved that I Lady Archa, will give my all in accomplishing the following:

1. I will control my diet and increase my physical activity to get to a healthy weight. I have a total of 80lbs to loose to get to a healthy weight. I have enlisted the help of the famous, Jenny Craig, to help me in this epic battle.
   
2. I will keep a journal faithfully and write even when I don't think I can write anything good. I will not judge what I write. I will simply write.
3. I will be more mindful of others. I will make an effort to be more thoughtful. I will submit to the vast universe beyond my own being.
   
4. I will stay open to life, universe and everything.
5. I will read more.
6. I will be more frugal.
7. I will be more organized.
8. I will make time to engage in a spiritual activity of some kind.
9. I will try new things.
10. I will face my fears.

While these seem like lofty ambitions, I am confident that I can accomplish them. I have faith in myself. I trust that my loved ones will not let me fail.

So 2009, I welcome you with open arms. I am ready to meet you!